Doing its part every day to confirm that there are those people who should just not be procreating, WhatToExpect.com has laid out its set of guidelines for stupid parents who need advice on how to keep their children safe from real life ghouls and goblins (not to mention scary-memory-induced nightmares and tummy aches when they’re all tuckered out) this Halloween. It may be officially true in America: Common sense is dead.
1. Don’t let your toddler handle sharp knives during pumpkin carving. Wow. Deep! And you thought you knew everything about child rearing! If you’re one of the folks out there who encourages their kids to run with scissors, this one’s for you. Remember, parents: blades and babies don’t mix!
2. Don’t put lighted candles where your kids can get them. Ever heard that one about how you shouldn’t give your 4-year-old matches? Probably not, if you’re reading these tips. Note to stupid parents out there: Fire is bad, unless used for cooking. Got it? After all, if you’re fortunate enough to still have a home in this economy, the last thing you need is for your rugrat to burn it down.
3. Don’t decorate your kid’s costume with sharp objects. Wait, I think I saw something like this somewhere else… Oh, yeah – it was in number 1 above. Sharp things and children go together like bourbon and orangutans. Or something like that. How many times do you need to hear it? On a similar note, if you missed number 2 above or can’t make the leap to deduce from it this kernel of genius, here’s another one: make sure the kid’s costume is flame-resistant. And, while you’re at it, don’t make the costume so long that your little tyke can trip over it when they walk. We know this is a lot of info for one point, so give yourself a minute to digest all of it before moving onto the next one.
4. Don’t paint a devil’s face on your 3-year-old. “Whiskers or tiger stripes” are ok, but scary is a no-no. And refrain from putting a mask on the kid’s face, no matter how much you’re sick of watching little Sasha’s nose run. It may block her vision and cause her to trip over that crack in the sidewalk – or that extra-long store-bought princess gown costume you wrapped her in because you glossed over point number 3.
5. Bring a flashlight if you take the kids trick-or-treating at night. Seriously. If you need to be reminded of this, maybe sterilization is the best option for you.
6. Inspect your children’s candy stash before they tear into it. Remember number 1 above: Razor blades are bad for growing gumlines. Similarly, if you find a little ball or bag of marbles in your kiddo’s cache, don’t let them eat it. You don’t want to spend your Halloween late-night in the emergency room with all the other parental duds, do you? Didn’t think so. On that note, don’t let your kids eat any goodie that’s been tampered with or that was made by someone you don’t know well. Poison is bad for developing bodies and minds. Follow the same advice when keeping your own home candy stash, and your children might stand a chance!
Now that you’re all boned up, drag the kid out there and knock on some doors!
