Everything Is Stupid

19
Nov

Think Modern Life is Stupid? Just Wait

You’ve gotta love optimists! While the rest of us are ready to curl up in our graves and call it a day for the human species, the geeks at the Institute For The Future are actually looking favorably toward the next ten years or so and imagining what kind of “progress” we’ll have made by then in the fields of science! Among the group’s many wishful thoughts is that brick-and-mortar libraries will survive the ever dumbing-down of society which inevitably partners with technological advancement, and, on that note, that texting and online social media are in fact not making people stupid. (Sorry, now they’ve completely lost us.)

Here are some of the other so-called advancements which the group thinks are realistically possible by the year 2021. (You can access the entire list, via pdf, at this link.) If you think the modern world is already mind-numbingly stupid, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Reverse-Engineering the Human Brain. These geeks envision a world in which we uncover all the mysteries of how the human brain functions, and then build systems which mimic our own cognitive abilities. Great! That’ll create jobs. Instead of having to hire a psychiatrist to complain to about how shitty your life is, you’ll be able to just whine to a computer screen. Can you imagine? That’s exactly what we’ll need in the future, isn’t it: a population of A.I. Fox News viewers. We can already see the trailers for the movie….

Citizen Science Projects. NASA’s budget cuts got you in the dumps? Worried that our efforts to reach the ”final frontier” will be forever on hold? According to the Institute For The Future, by 2021 people could be funding their own space missions! Wanna go in with Bill O’Reilly on a study to figure out what makes the tides go in and out? (Never mind that we’ve long known the answer – and it ain’t the “Guy in the Sky.”) No problem! Some rich guy with too much time on his hands will fly to the moon in his very own private spacecraft and beam you back images through your own personal satellite. Just be sure to TiVo Monday Night Football.

Space-Time Cloaks. Wish you could think of a way to loot third-world countries without having the pesky United Nations jump all over you for it? Learn to camouflage the act with your very own invisibility cloak! (Okay, we admit we don’t really understand how this is supposed to work – but we’re sure Halliburton will figure it out.) The IFF says that, with these cloaks, you’ll be able to conceal entire world events!

Create New Life Forms from Scratch. Want your own T-Rex? Or think that movie Weird Science presents your best hope for scoring with an older woman? Not only might we be able to build such life forms from nothing – but it’ll be inexpensive, too! (And, yes, they think this could all happen by the year 2021.)

Interestingly enough, the group does not envision a year 2021 containing flying cars – perhaps because they think we’ll all be too drunk to drive them. But no worries: If all these other musings hold true, someone will no doubt privately finance such a project and fly them over ungoverned waters. You always wanted a burial at sea, didn’t you?

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posted by F.B. in Corporate Stupidity,Plain Ol' Stupidity,Pop Culture Stupidity,Science Stupidity,Technology Stupidity and have Comments Off
29
Oct

Parental Stupidity Got You Worried This Halloween? We’re Here To Help

Doing its part every day to confirm that there are those people who should just not be procreating, WhatToExpect.com has laid out its set of guidelines for stupid parents who need advice on how to keep their children safe from real life ghouls and goblins (not to mention scary-memory-induced nightmares and tummy aches when they’re all tuckered out) this Halloween. It may be officially true in America: Common sense is dead.

1. Don’t let your toddler handle sharp knives during pumpkin carving. Wow. Deep! And you thought you knew everything about child rearing! If you’re one of the folks out there who encourages their kids to run with scissors, this one’s for you. Remember, parents: blades and babies don’t mix!

2. Don’t put lighted candles where your kids can get them. Ever heard that one about how you shouldn’t give your 4-year-old matches? Probably not, if you’re reading these tips. Note to stupid parents out there: Fire is bad, unless used for cooking. Got it? After all, if you’re fortunate enough to still have a home in this economy, the last thing you need is for your rugrat to burn it down.

3. Don’t decorate your kid’s costume with sharp objects. Wait, I think I saw something like this somewhere else… Oh, yeah – it was in number 1 above. Sharp things and children go together like bourbon and orangutans. Or something like that. How many times do you need to hear it? On a similar note, if you missed number 2 above or can’t make the leap to deduce from it this kernel of genius, here’s another one: make sure the kid’s costume is flame-resistant. And, while you’re at it, don’t make the costume so long that your little tyke can trip over it when they walk. We know this is a lot of info for one point, so give yourself a minute to digest all of it before moving onto the next one.

4. Don’t paint a devil’s face on your 3-year-old. “Whiskers or tiger stripes” are ok, but scary is a no-no. And refrain from putting a mask on the kid’s face, no matter how much you’re sick of watching little Sasha’s nose run. It may block her vision and cause her to trip over that crack in the sidewalk – or that extra-long store-bought princess gown costume you wrapped her in because you glossed over point number 3.

5. Bring a flashlight if you take the kids trick-or-treating at night. Seriously. If you need to be reminded of this, maybe sterilization is the best option for you.

6. Inspect your children’s candy stash before they tear into it. Remember number 1 above: Razor blades are bad for growing gumlines. Similarly, if you find a little ball or bag of marbles in your kiddo’s cache, don’t let them eat it. You don’t want to spend your Halloween late-night in the emergency room with all the other parental duds, do you? Didn’t think so. On that note, don’t let your kids eat any goodie that’s been tampered with or that was made by someone you don’t know well. Poison is bad for developing bodies and minds. Follow the same advice when keeping your own home candy stash, and your children might stand a chance!

Now that you’re all boned up, drag the kid out there and knock on some doors!

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posted by F.B. in Plain Ol' Stupidity,Relationship Stupidity and have Comments Off
27
Oct

Eight Percent of Your Parents Think Your Name is Totally Stupid

That name, that name you have been carrying around your entire long life, the name about which you may have often wondered, “Why God why?!?” – as it turns out, it has your parents, the very same parents who gave you that ridiculous name in the first place, wondering the exact same thing.

According to what I am sure was a scientifically meticulous study done by the hard working people at YourBabyDomainName.com, two out of every twenty-five parents have baby name remorse, an increase of three percent since the studies of previous years. Can you say “first world problems” three times fast, Anakin and Leia, Jacob and Bella?

We all sit and wait for the celebrities we love to hate to finally admit they feel like idiots for choosing names like Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Audio Science, Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin. Seriously. Unfortunately, it seems to be simply poor schmucks who named their kid Ottoline and ended up calling her Sparkle who get saddled with all the regret. What is the world coming to, people?

I myself am a near victim of name regret. My parents were, in fact, going to name me Melissa. Fortunately for me, they were lucky enough to meet another Melissa with me in utero and realized that they would have to destroy me and start all over again if anyone ever dared to call their daughter by this other Melissa’s nickname, Missy. I shudder at the thought. There are absolutely no nicknames for Melissa that rhyme with ‘sex.’ I don’t know what I would have done with myself!

Since the study showed that half of respondents felt they were swayed by stupid media and fashion trends, and another third thought their name was original when they picked it but later discovered that other people had the same “unique” idea, one can’t be faulted for wondering aloud if the remaining 17% of folks are just ridiculously indecisive about something that you’re not really allowed to be indecisive about in the real world. After all, a toddler who gets her name changed every year for her birthday is going to be pretty high maintenance, not to mention identity confused!

Pamela Redmond Satran of baby name website nameberry.com told the Daily Mail, “We also see baby name regret in parents who listen too much to the advice of others, who cave in to family pressure to name the baby after grandpa, for instance, or who give up on a name they love because the in-laws make fun of it. They often wish they had listened to their own hearts.”

There are a lot of things I might let my in-laws have their fair say in, like world politics and economics, what we’re having for Christmas dinner, or whose car we should take on our next cross-border shopping spree. What I intend to name my next child? Not one of those things.

Do you have baby name regret? If you feel stupid for the name your baby ended up with after the dust and placenta settled, we want to hear your story!

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posted by BexvanKoot in Media Stupidity,Plain Ol' Stupidity,Pop Culture Stupidity,Relationship Stupidity and have Comments Off
01
Oct

More Reasons Not to Believe Anything That a Stupid Plastic Package Tells You

After that whole Taco Bell fiasco, how concerned are you about what you eat? How much of  your food is real? I don’t mean “food” that is passed off as such merely because it’s edible. Just because it was once alive doesn’t mean that it’s good to eat. We seem to have lost this very basic knowledge. Do you often rely on cardboard boxes or plastic bags to tell you what you’re eating? Do you read the fine print?

If not, here are a few good reasons to start. Things are often even more stupid and disgusting than they appear!

Berry Ridiculous

Blueberry muffin from Tim Horton’s (or wherever you buy your blueberry muffins in America… Starbucks?) or a bowl of General Mills Total Blueberry Pomegranate cereal? Your blueberries may not be blueberries at all, but rather “a concoction of sugar, corn syrup, starch, hydrogenated oil, artificial flavors and — of course — artificial food dye blue No. 2 and red No. 40″ found in bagels, muffins, cereals and breads made by big name companies across the continent. If you want to get some fruit in your diet, eat a blueberry, not a bagel.

“Freshly” Squeezed Stupid

Have you ever freshly squeezed an orange, or been to a tropical area and had someone freshly squeeze a liter of orange juice for you? Ever noticed that while each glass is delicious and alive, it tastes a little bit different each time, depending on the variety and ripeness of the oranges, the soil they were grown in, the air and the rain.

Ever wonder how companies manage to make “freshly squeezed” orange juice that all tastes the same? The secret is not GMO oranges or even pasteurization. After the oranges are “freshly squeezed” the juice is stored in sealed containers and completely stripped of every bit of oxygen. This allows them to store the juice for up to a year… and it also completely removes all of the taste, since the flavor molecules have been effective destroyed. All that’s left is sugar water. To this sugar water, artificial “flavor packs” created by perfume and flavor scientists are added to give each brand a unique taste, and doesn’t have to be labeled on the ingredients because the chemicals are “derived from orange essence and oil” and so somehow is supposed to be naturally occurring in fresh OJ. Hmm.

You’ve Got Wood

Alright, folks, now it’s really time to check your fridge and your cupboards: ice cream, shredded “cheese” products, syrup, waffles, white bread, Weight Watchers food (!), cereal, pastry, pre-made meals in bowls of just about any kind, McDonald’s and other fast food, cookies and frozen desserts, pudding, even Nestle brand hot “cocoa” mixes. If you see the word “cellulose,” please throw the food away (in a Food Bank donation box, ideally) and pick up something smarter. Why?

Cellulose = wood. From trees. Or cotton.

Cellulose can serve as a good source of dietary fiber for people who don’t eat enough fruits, vegetables or whole grains, Ms. Slavin says. The USDA’s most recent dietary guidelines recommend young women get 28 grams a day of fiber and young men consume 38 grams.

People who don’t eat fruits or vegetables? Seriously? Even if I didn’t believe that whole grains are poisonous, this puts America’s ridiculousness into a whole new light.

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posted by BexvanKoot in Corporate Stupidity,Media Stupidity,Plain Ol' Stupidity,Science Stupidity and have Comments Off
28
Sep

The Stupidest Travel Complaints Ever

The proof is in the pudding, as they say across the pond there – just because you might have enough money to take a fancy vacation with a travel agent does not mean you aren’t nearly too stupid to live.

The Toronto Star published a short article listing the twenty most ridiculous travel complaints ever heard, as reported to Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel Agents in a recent survey of patrons of local agents. We are officially doomed as a species. Officially.

Here are some of the best (yes, ten of the twenty stupidest things count as ‘the best,’ and even that was hard). Do people not read the things they’ve written and then smash their own skulls against a wall or something? I mean… really?

“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”

The water park does not have gambling and strippers, nor do we give away free bikinis with entry. We apologize for not being Vegas.

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in her hotel room by staff. In fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

I think this might be the most confusing thing I’ve heard in a very long time. Seriously? I’m desperately resisting the urge to assume that she’s blonde. Be grateful for your anonymity, my dear delicate idiot.

“The beach was too sandy.”

I’ll admit it, I’ve lived on a beach for a month and I know how this feels. Sometimes there’s just too much sand. But maybe some self-censorship would save your reputation with your travel agent, eh?

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

By this I take it that the restaurant staff, despite there being no language barrier, sat and watched the man drink gravy for his entire stay without mentioning it to him? I guess I just hope he doesn’t have a heart condition to go along with his idiot condition.

“No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”

I just can’t…. I mean really? Even if it weren’t completely incomprehensible that you would not realize that there are things that live in the sea, you’ve really never heard the one about how there are so many “fish in the sea”? Where did you think that came from, exactly?

“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”

Damn those Americans for living so close to Jamaica. I hate it too, I know. Planes suck. But, unless your travel agent is also an immigration agent, I don’t think  there’s much he can do about it. Sorry.

And the last best:

“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”

“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation.’ We’re trainee hairdressers — will we be OK staying there?”

“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.”

“I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite.”

Now hold on just one tiny second here. They do have mosquitoes in England, right? RIGHT?!? OMG! Whew. Thank you, internet. All is well in the world again.

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posted by BexvanKoot in Plain Ol' Stupidity and have Comments Off
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