Everything Is Stupid

Archive for October, 2011

30
Oct

Planning to Use Fear as an Aphrodisiac this Halloween? Leave the Haunted Houses to Stupid Amateurs

A recent study by the Kinsey Institute makes the surprising revelation that men value kissing, hugging, and cuddling in a relationship more than do women (and that men who report regular kissing or cuddling with their partners are three times as happy with their relationship as those who do not), but that women value sex in a relationship more than do men. In the interest of science, I would check those results again. After all, aren’t scientists usually the ones who argue that men are genetically predisposed to be philanderers? In any event, expensive and time-consuming research appears to confirm that human beings enjoy sex.

And sex while still in your Halloween costume (or, perhaps, half-in) is surpassed in hotness by only a select few things. But let the kids have the stupid haunted houses, will ya? We all know that fear is an aphrodisiac, but grown-ups who can stomach it can make use of slightly scarier stuff to get the juices flowing in their nether regions. Here are some of the more disturbing ones, from associatedcontent.com (warning: if you’re about to take a bite of your dinner, you might want to set it aside for a moment):

1. Bat Meat. You heard right. If the thought of eating the flesh of something that you ordinary wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole and gloves on makes you horny, this is probably right up your alley (no pun intended). Forget about tweaking the thermostat to raise the temperature; in Indonesia and Malaysia eating bat meat is a common way to turn up the heat in the boudoir. “The rodent-like body, the leathery wings, the creepy teeth…” Yum! Hungry yet?

2. Rhinoceros Urine. To the perverts out there, this probably isn’t much of a stretch. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? But finding a rhinoceros isn’t exactly like finding one of Charlie Sheen’s ex-girlfriends. Instead, head to India or Nepal, where people won’t look at you funny if they see you carrying a baggie full of this aphrodisiac as you walk back to your hotel room. (In fact, it’s long been used in these countries as way to get one’s motor running.) While there, visit the Kathmandu Zoo, where you can buy the stuff in the gift shop. Think this is what Bob Seger was singing about? Just make sure to drink it while it’s fresh!

3. Big-Bottomed Ants. No, this is not the title of an unreleased Queen song – folks in the country of Columbia use a local ant species called “atta laevigata” to get all hot and bothered before bedtime! They even give them as wedding gifts! Note, though, that (wait for it…) only the queens can be eaten. (See what we did there?) And the grapevine says they taste best after being roasted in the oven. Outta the way, chicken breast!

4. Snake Blood. If you ever wanted to spend a night partying like a heavy metal rock star, I guess this is one way to do it. Asian lore dictates that snake blood is one of the best aphrodisiacs on earth! And guess what else? The poisonous varieties are preferred! (The venom isn’t bad for you unless you’re bitten.) Your local bartender will stir it right into your rhinoceros urine cocktail if you’d like! Add a little rice for consistency, and you’ve got a sex-starting-smoothie! For the tough guys (or gals) out there, sucking the stuff straight from a fresh puncture in the snake’s tail is the way to do it. That’s supposed to cause  extra sexual skills. But don’t order the five course meal before chugging this mix: its effects should cause you to feel the change within ten minutes.

5. Reindeer Antlers. We know – this one’s a little too close to the heart for most people, what with the images of Christmas it probably conjures up and all. But, seriously, does any one of the above options fail to churn your stomach? In Scandinavia, reindeer antlers are collected and ground into powder, which is then dissolved in boiling water and swigged a couple of hours before boom time. Its effects on the love muscles are reputed to be so strong that shop owners in China are known to pay small fortunes to import it. Whether you leave the Santa suit out of it is your call.

Finally! A reason to endure the airlines!

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posted by F.B. in Relationship Stupidity,Science Stupidity and have Comments Off
29
Oct

Parental Stupidity Got You Worried This Halloween? We’re Here To Help

Doing its part every day to confirm that there are those people who should just not be procreating, WhatToExpect.com has laid out its set of guidelines for stupid parents who need advice on how to keep their children safe from real life ghouls and goblins (not to mention scary-memory-induced nightmares and tummy aches when they’re all tuckered out) this Halloween. It may be officially true in America: Common sense is dead.

1. Don’t let your toddler handle sharp knives during pumpkin carving. Wow. Deep! And you thought you knew everything about child rearing! If you’re one of the folks out there who encourages their kids to run with scissors, this one’s for you. Remember, parents: blades and babies don’t mix!

2. Don’t put lighted candles where your kids can get them. Ever heard that one about how you shouldn’t give your 4-year-old matches? Probably not, if you’re reading these tips. Note to stupid parents out there: Fire is bad, unless used for cooking. Got it? After all, if you’re fortunate enough to still have a home in this economy, the last thing you need is for your rugrat to burn it down.

3. Don’t decorate your kid’s costume with sharp objects. Wait, I think I saw something like this somewhere else… Oh, yeah – it was in number 1 above. Sharp things and children go together like bourbon and orangutans. Or something like that. How many times do you need to hear it? On a similar note, if you missed number 2 above or can’t make the leap to deduce from it this kernel of genius, here’s another one: make sure the kid’s costume is flame-resistant. And, while you’re at it, don’t make the costume so long that your little tyke can trip over it when they walk. We know this is a lot of info for one point, so give yourself a minute to digest all of it before moving onto the next one.

4. Don’t paint a devil’s face on your 3-year-old. “Whiskers or tiger stripes” are ok, but scary is a no-no. And refrain from putting a mask on the kid’s face, no matter how much you’re sick of watching little Sasha’s nose run. It may block her vision and cause her to trip over that crack in the sidewalk – or that extra-long store-bought princess gown costume you wrapped her in because you glossed over point number 3.

5. Bring a flashlight if you take the kids trick-or-treating at night. Seriously. If you need to be reminded of this, maybe sterilization is the best option for you.

6. Inspect your children’s candy stash before they tear into it. Remember number 1 above: Razor blades are bad for growing gumlines. Similarly, if you find a little ball or bag of marbles in your kiddo’s cache, don’t let them eat it. You don’t want to spend your Halloween late-night in the emergency room with all the other parental duds, do you? Didn’t think so. On that note, don’t let your kids eat any goodie that’s been tampered with or that was made by someone you don’t know well. Poison is bad for developing bodies and minds. Follow the same advice when keeping your own home candy stash, and your children might stand a chance!

Now that you’re all boned up, drag the kid out there and knock on some doors!

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posted by F.B. in Plain Ol' Stupidity,Relationship Stupidity and have Comments Off
27
Oct

Eight Percent of Your Parents Think Your Name is Totally Stupid

That name, that name you have been carrying around your entire long life, the name about which you may have often wondered, “Why God why?!?” – as it turns out, it has your parents, the very same parents who gave you that ridiculous name in the first place, wondering the exact same thing.

According to what I am sure was a scientifically meticulous study done by the hard working people at YourBabyDomainName.com, two out of every twenty-five parents have baby name remorse, an increase of three percent since the studies of previous years. Can you say “first world problems” three times fast, Anakin and Leia, Jacob and Bella?

We all sit and wait for the celebrities we love to hate to finally admit they feel like idiots for choosing names like Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Audio Science, Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin. Seriously. Unfortunately, it seems to be simply poor schmucks who named their kid Ottoline and ended up calling her Sparkle who get saddled with all the regret. What is the world coming to, people?

I myself am a near victim of name regret. My parents were, in fact, going to name me Melissa. Fortunately for me, they were lucky enough to meet another Melissa with me in utero and realized that they would have to destroy me and start all over again if anyone ever dared to call their daughter by this other Melissa’s nickname, Missy. I shudder at the thought. There are absolutely no nicknames for Melissa that rhyme with ‘sex.’ I don’t know what I would have done with myself!

Since the study showed that half of respondents felt they were swayed by stupid media and fashion trends, and another third thought their name was original when they picked it but later discovered that other people had the same “unique” idea, one can’t be faulted for wondering aloud if the remaining 17% of folks are just ridiculously indecisive about something that you’re not really allowed to be indecisive about in the real world. After all, a toddler who gets her name changed every year for her birthday is going to be pretty high maintenance, not to mention identity confused!

Pamela Redmond Satran of baby name website nameberry.com told the Daily Mail, “We also see baby name regret in parents who listen too much to the advice of others, who cave in to family pressure to name the baby after grandpa, for instance, or who give up on a name they love because the in-laws make fun of it. They often wish they had listened to their own hearts.”

There are a lot of things I might let my in-laws have their fair say in, like world politics and economics, what we’re having for Christmas dinner, or whose car we should take on our next cross-border shopping spree. What I intend to name my next child? Not one of those things.

Do you have baby name regret? If you feel stupid for the name your baby ended up with after the dust and placenta settled, we want to hear your story!

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posted by BexvanKoot in Media Stupidity,Plain Ol' Stupidity,Pop Culture Stupidity,Relationship Stupidity and have Comments Off
12
Oct

Stupid College Kids Okay With Being Slutty; Don’t Know What Being Slutty Actually Means

A recent study reported on by our friends at LiveScience reveals that, during “hookup scenarios,” college students are open to women taking the sexual lead – but that, during more traditional dating scenarios involving dinner dates and actually spending time outside the bedroom, students are more apt to revert to more traditional gender roles, with the women minding their P’s and Q’s and “trying not to seem slutty.” Apparently the study was done on only heterosexual couples, even though same-sex action is reportedly the norm among male college students in the UK.

Students considered the woman’s desire for sexual activity during the hookup to be the result of either alcohol or wild spontaneity, while they considered the male’s desire to hook up to be the result of his “guy instinct” or a prior plan. The takeaway from the study appears to be that “girls like to get some, too.” Eureka! And you thought science was stupid!

Unfortunately, another study shows that most college students don’t even know what the term “hooking up” actually refers to, and that most students are more talk than action when it comes to “hooking up” at all. This study finds that college students consider “hooking up” to include mere kissing and not even sexual intercourse. Seems kinda prude to me. About the only constant among the students was their perception that sexual activity outside of a serious relationship was usually alcohol-driven. Still believe the children are our future, Whitney Houston?

It’s hard to believe that, given today’s pop culture, college kids can have varying opinions on the definition of the “hook up.” Maybe, given that the college-aged brain is not fully developed and teenage stupidity is rampant to begin with, they just have a hard time remembering what they saw the last time they sat in front of the TV. Or maybe it’s just that their last hookup involved such mind-blowing sex that it knocked certain dictionary entries from their memory banks. Either way, it would be nice if they’d just shut up about it: The study also found that, the more these kids talk about their wannabe hot make-out sessions, the more it becomes socially accepted for them to do so. But who wants to hear stories of lame nineteen year-olds awkwardly trying to figure out how to kiss? I mean, I’m sure it gets them all sweaty and bothered – and probably has a similar effect on some pasty-white skinned male adults who spend most of their time in their basements with their DVD players and stacks of bargain-bin porn – but, as Elaine said on Seinfeld, give me something I can use!

More bad news: It seems, contrary to researchers’ expectations, higher education leads to a stronger belief in ghosts and paranormal phenomena, such as haunted houses. Excuse me? Isn’t this the kind of belief that higher education is supposed to beat out of young, impressionable minds? So, college is teaching students to believe in telepathy and possession by the devil, but it’s not teaching them the difference between kissing and sexual intercourse?

With population growth slowing due to the recession comes the real possibility that the next generation will contain fewer college students. I suppose this is a good thing?

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posted by F.B. in Pop Culture Stupidity,Relationship Stupidity,Science Stupidity and have Comments Off
01
Oct

More Reasons Not to Believe Anything That a Stupid Plastic Package Tells You

After that whole Taco Bell fiasco, how concerned are you about what you eat? How much of  your food is real? I don’t mean “food” that is passed off as such merely because it’s edible. Just because it was once alive doesn’t mean that it’s good to eat. We seem to have lost this very basic knowledge. Do you often rely on cardboard boxes or plastic bags to tell you what you’re eating? Do you read the fine print?

If not, here are a few good reasons to start. Things are often even more stupid and disgusting than they appear!

Berry Ridiculous

Blueberry muffin from Tim Horton’s (or wherever you buy your blueberry muffins in America… Starbucks?) or a bowl of General Mills Total Blueberry Pomegranate cereal? Your blueberries may not be blueberries at all, but rather “a concoction of sugar, corn syrup, starch, hydrogenated oil, artificial flavors and — of course — artificial food dye blue No. 2 and red No. 40″ found in bagels, muffins, cereals and breads made by big name companies across the continent. If you want to get some fruit in your diet, eat a blueberry, not a bagel.

“Freshly” Squeezed Stupid

Have you ever freshly squeezed an orange, or been to a tropical area and had someone freshly squeeze a liter of orange juice for you? Ever noticed that while each glass is delicious and alive, it tastes a little bit different each time, depending on the variety and ripeness of the oranges, the soil they were grown in, the air and the rain.

Ever wonder how companies manage to make “freshly squeezed” orange juice that all tastes the same? The secret is not GMO oranges or even pasteurization. After the oranges are “freshly squeezed” the juice is stored in sealed containers and completely stripped of every bit of oxygen. This allows them to store the juice for up to a year… and it also completely removes all of the taste, since the flavor molecules have been effective destroyed. All that’s left is sugar water. To this sugar water, artificial “flavor packs” created by perfume and flavor scientists are added to give each brand a unique taste, and doesn’t have to be labeled on the ingredients because the chemicals are “derived from orange essence and oil” and so somehow is supposed to be naturally occurring in fresh OJ. Hmm.

You’ve Got Wood

Alright, folks, now it’s really time to check your fridge and your cupboards: ice cream, shredded “cheese” products, syrup, waffles, white bread, Weight Watchers food (!), cereal, pastry, pre-made meals in bowls of just about any kind, McDonald’s and other fast food, cookies and frozen desserts, pudding, even Nestle brand hot “cocoa” mixes. If you see the word “cellulose,” please throw the food away (in a Food Bank donation box, ideally) and pick up something smarter. Why?

Cellulose = wood. From trees. Or cotton.

Cellulose can serve as a good source of dietary fiber for people who don’t eat enough fruits, vegetables or whole grains, Ms. Slavin says. The USDA’s most recent dietary guidelines recommend young women get 28 grams a day of fiber and young men consume 38 grams.

People who don’t eat fruits or vegetables? Seriously? Even if I didn’t believe that whole grains are poisonous, this puts America’s ridiculousness into a whole new light.

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posted by BexvanKoot in Corporate Stupidity,Media Stupidity,Plain Ol' Stupidity,Science Stupidity and have Comments Off
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