Everything Is Stupid

Think Canadians are Stupid? Well, they’re Smart Enough to Ban Fox News

Think Canadians are Stupid? Well, theyre Smart Enough to Ban Fox News   Stupid American Culture, Brainwashed Americans, Stupidity of Americans

Fox News: Too Stupid For Canada

Every once in a while we come across some serious, universally-relevant info of which we’d previously been uninformed. (Hey, we never claimed to be all-knowing!) What sets us apart from Republican voters, however, is that we welcome it and all new knowledge! And this case is no different.

Did you know that Canada (which we Americans have a time-honored tradition of goofing on – mainly for its sissy-like tendency to stay uninvolved in the various ill-conceived wars in which we so love to engage) has a law against the reporting of false or misleading news – and that, as a result, many right wing media entities long chastised by smart people for having contributed so robustly to the dumbing down of America (among them, the Fox News Channel and the Rush Limbaugh Radio Show) are illegal in Canada? I didn’t know that – even though one of our earliest head writers (a brilliant snarkist whom we miss dearly and wish would come back in spite of the fact that we can’t afford her) is Canadian! But she so regularly and expertly lambasts Fox News, Limbaugh, and the like that we just assumed she gets her knowledge of said spreaders of nonsense directly from the Canadian airwaves themselves! It seems we were wrong.

In February 2011 (before this blog was launched), the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) (Canada’s broadcasting regulation body) announced it would reject efforts by Canada’s right wing Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, to repeal the law. (Speculation was that Harper’s proposal was timed to facilitate the launch of a new Canadian right wing network.) This news was reported in the U.S. by, among other sources, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., in a piece which managed to get itself either copied-and-pasted on or referenced in just about every left-wing or otherwise objective-leaning blog that was researched for this post. You can read it via this link, at the HuffPost, and you can read the CRTC’s official announcement, made in May of 2011, at this link on its official website.

Conversely, for example, MSNBC, that network so hated by right-wingers for reporting news which contradicts their views (read: reporting news based on fact-checked reality) is legal in and shown in Canada. In fact, it began airing in Canada  in 2001 under the banner MSNBC Canada, but after just two years came to the conclusion that, “because of the unique programming challenges presented by a 24 hour breaking news format, the [programming has] … proven to be financially burdensome beyond expectation.” (See, guys, fact-checking is expensive!) It therefore decided to replace the service with the American MSNBC feed instead. This move, of course, required CRTC approval, which was granted in 2004.

On the surface, all this makes Canada look pretty darn good. But don’t start packing your bags just yet.

Concerned Canadians gripe about the many right wing media types which are allowed to broadcast in Canada, with comments on rabble.ca fingering one commentator who is “the canadian Rush or at least as close as we can get. Bigot check, Xenophobe check, anti-gay check(though [he] does have a thing for men in uniform), pro war check, conservative and says so check. He also thinks no one in hockey uses ANY illegal substances ‘because our boys wouldn’t do that.’” (Hmm. Hateful and delusional! Sounds like our right-wing media types alright.) Another is described by a reader as “anti-immigrant, ‘law and order’(for the poor), … pro-war, anti-woman, fascist.” And these are just two of many! Apparently Canada does allow for the spreading of hatred and stupidity, as long as there are no verifiable figures involved.

And, of course, as mentioned, its current Prime Minister is conservative, as is the current majority party in Canadian government. (It’s not unfair to infer that the takeaway from the Prime Minister’s above-mentioned bid to repeal the law which bans “Canadian Fox News” and the like is that he assumes same as everyone else that the right wing’s survival hinges on its continued ability to misinform the electorate). On the other hand, however, the recent 2011 Canadian election saw a +178.38% gain in the number of seats for the relatively young New Democratic Party, which is a social-democratic party which advocates issues such as gender equality, gay rights, workers’ and human rights, international peace, and environment stewardship, and is analogous to the left wing in the U.S.

In short, it’s worth keeping an eye on.

posted by F.B. in American Stupidity,Media Stupidity and have No Comments

Exclusive: God Loves Denver Broncos More Than Philadelphia Flyers

It’s rare that we blog about sports. But, when sports and god-fearing American wackos collide, even we can’t help but take note!

On Sunday, January 8, 2012, outspoken god-believer and Sean Hannity program guest Tim Tebow – a stellar college football quarterback (see what I did there?) and Heisman Trophy winner whose professional career in the National Football League nevertheless got off to a rocky start (which even led to the mocking of him by some of his fellow NFL players, and plenty in the media, who said he wasn’t skilled enough to be a professional), led the Denver Broncos to an overtime victory against the favored Pittsburgh Steelers in the first round of the NFL playoffs. This is Tebow’s second season in the NFL, and it was his first-ever playoff game.

While the annals of athletic endeavors (I said annals, pervert!) are filled with redemption stories featuring would-be duds who became heroes, this one stands out as especially divine.

A devout Christian who has appeared in at least two pro-life TV commercials, Tebow is renown for inscribing “John 3:16″ in his eye black (eye black is stuff athletes put beneath their eyes to keep down the glare from the sun – apparently Tebow doesn’t fear the wrath of any sun-god); the bible passage to which it refers states: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” American weirdos have been holding signs bearing said characters at sporting events for years.

Prior to Sunday’s playoff game, Tebow’s brief NFL credentials included his leading his team to six come-from-behind wins (again, we’re talking about sports here, not sex) – all either in the fourth and final quarter and with the game clock ticking dreadfully close to zero, or in overtime, after a similarly-rousing push to tie the game in the final moments of regulation time. As a result, right-wing nutjobs across the U.S. who aren’t even football fans have turned to Tebow as one of their saviors, and objective thinkers across the U.S. have wondered aloud if he would be afforded the same affection were he a Muslim and not a Christian.

Really? They think a debate is in there somewhere? Are they stupid? Here’s the answer: He wouldn’t be. Can we get to the important stuff?

Without question, last Sunday’s Broncos/Steelers playoff game proves that god loves the Denver Broncos more than he loves the Philadelphia Flyers.

Here’s why:

According to espn, during the Broncos/Steelers game , the following was true:

- Tebow threw for 316 yards

- Tebow averaged 31.6 yards per completion (the highest single-game postseason completion average in NFL history)

- A Broncos second-quarter interception, which led to a field goal and a 17-6 Broncos lead, came on a third-down-and-16

- The losing Steelers finished the game with a time-of-possession of 31:06

- And, to top it off: At the moment Tebow threw the game-winning 80-yard touchdown pass (the NFL’s longest postseason pass in overtime history) CBS (the network airing the game) had a final quarter-hour overnight rating of 31.6

In and of themselves, the above statistics amount to mere coincidence.

But:

Meanwhile, at roughly the same time of night, the Philadelphia Flyers of the National Hockey League were finishing their regular-season game against the underdog Ottawa Senators.

Entering the third and final period, the Flyers had a two-goal lead over the Senators and a better goal-keeper.

The Senators scored 4 goals in the third period – including two in the final one minute and eleven seconds – to win the game.

I borrow a sentiment from the right (that belief trumps logic), stomp my foot and state emphatically: End of story.

posted by F.B. in Christian Stupidity,Pop Culture Stupidity and have Comments Off

2012 New Year’s Resolutions for the Stupid American Voter

Joy! As we prepare to bid adieu to the crapfest that was the year 2011 and look ahead to what will no doubt be the crapfest of 2012, let us remember that, if history has taught us anything, it’s that people (or at least American people) never learn a damn thing. How else can the U.S. 2010 election be explained? And how else can one explain that, according to a recent AP poll, a majority of Americans are actually optimistic about 2012? Obviously the wealth of knowledge out there which should serve to inform such people that their sole goal for 2012 should be to pack up their loved ones and find a way to relocate to an otherwise-uninhabited planet in outer space is not reaching them. In short: They’re not paying attention.

Therefore, even though it probably won’t help, we here at Everything is Stupid are nevertheless going to hold our noses and offer some new year’s resolutions for the year 2012…. for the American voter. We’re probably wasting our keystrokes, but, hey, it’s something to do!

Resolution 1: Don’t vote for anyone whose net worth is reported to be between $190 and $250 million and who nevertheless possesses the bad taste required to joke about his being unemployed. We’ve already had enough presidents who lack the self-awareness to know that they’re assholes. (Translation for the uninformed or uber-stupid: Don’t vote for Mitt Romney.)

Resolution 2: Don’t vote for anyone who preaches so-called “family values” while carrying on extra-marital affairs, and/or whose history includes 1). divorcing his first wife while she was recovering from uterine cancer and then refusing to make his alimony and child-support payments, leaving his church to take up a collection plate to support his deserted family; and 2). divorcing his second wife after learning that she had a neurological condition that could lead to multiple sclerosis. Furthermore, don’t vote for anyone who has the gall to diffuse these and other objectionable acts by publicly stating, in reference to said, that “People need to hear what I have to say. … It doesn’t matter what I live.” We don’t need another president who does in fact have the self-awareness to know that he’s an asshole, but who doesn’t mind. (Translation for the uninformed or uber-stupid: Don’t vote for Newt Gingrich.)

Resolution 3: Don’t vote for anyone who either a). is an explicit racist; b). is not necessarily a racist but is too incompetent to police the people whom he lets use his name on newsletters and/or other political literature; and/or c). might in fact simply actively use racism to pander to racist American voters in the hope of garnering their favor. We certainly don’t need another president who’ll fill his cabinet with carpetbaggers. (Translation for the uninformed or uber-stupid: Don’t vote for Ron Paul.)

Resolution 4: Don’t vote for anyone who supports disproved anti-gay “reparative therapy” designed to “cure” people of homosexuality, and/or who has a “favorite gun” – especially if that gun is an assault rifle. (We could go on forever about this “candidate” – as has just about every other political or humor website – but the short translation for the uninformed or uber-stupid is: Don’t vote for Michele Bachmann.)

Resolution 5: Don’t vote for anyone whose main claims to political fame are that he opposes the theory of evolution and that he’s anti-gay marriage. (Reportedly, every person mentioned on this list opposes the theory of evolution except maybe Mitt Romney – depending on how he’s feeling that day – and Herman Cain – depending on which political advisor he’s echoing that day, and every person mentioned on this list is anti-gay marriage. But for Rick Santorum these are essentially his only talking points.) Of course, Santorum takes it up a notch by even being in favor of anti-sodomy laws (so much for that “small government” which these wackos are always promoting), but this only pushes him further along the (choose your adjective: “bigoted,” “crazy,” “ignorant”) scale. (Translation for the uninformed or uber-stupid: Don’t vote for Rick Santorum.)

Resolution 6: And speaking of talking points… Don’t vote for anyone who, among other shortcomings, has proven in debates that he’s too stupid to remember even his own talking points. (Rick Perry might not be the dumbest Texan, but he’s shown that, contrary to belief, there is at least one public figure who rivals George W. Bush for stupidity. Translation for the uninformed or uber-stupid: Don’t vote for Rick Perry. We don’t need a president for whom the best that can be said is that he’s only maybe as dumb as G.W. Bush.)

Resolution 7: And, for those still pondering a write-in vote for that former-but-fallen GOP flavor of the week Herman Cain… Don’t vote for anyone who boasts that his credentials for running for President of the U.S. include having “been studying on [world events and political issues] for months,” and who 1). is uniformed enough to state during his campaign that China is “trying to develop nuclear capability” when, actually, China already has nuclear weapons and tested its first device in 1964; and 2). (in a moment which probably surpasses any of Rick Perry’s in the category of “I can show that I’m incompetent, too”) said in a videotaped interview with the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel on foreign policy, while clearly trying to call to memory too much information for his brain to process:

“Okay, Libya. President Obama supported the uprising, correct? President Obama called for the removal of [Muammar] Gaddafi. Just wanted to make sure we’re talking about the same thing before I say, ‘Yes, I agreed. No, I didn’t agree.’

“I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason – Nope, that’s a different one … I got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”

To such nonsense which any sensible person knows is unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency of a major country, the obvious rebuttal among stupid people is something to the effect of: “Yeah, you don’t know everything about foreign policy, either, dipshit.” And this is true. But, to that, the obvious reply among people with half a brain is: “I’m not running for president.”

Of course, legendary dummy George W. Bush had a similar moment while being interviewed by a reporter from a Boston television station during his run for the 2000 presidential election, in which he showed he couldn’t name the four leaders of four international countries then in the news – and he got elected anyway. (Or, he took office, anyway. Whether or not he got elected is another question altogether.) This proves there’s hope for Cain yet.

In a moment not unlike a scene in “The Simpsons Movie,” Mr. Cain said at a campaign event that “We need a leader, not a reader.” Eureka! So that’s why he was resonating so well with the American voter! (That is, before he “suspended” his campaign over revelations of past sexual harassment allegations – which he blamed on Democrats.)

Anyway, in spite of our giving to him more space on this list than the other GOP “candidates,” we don’t have any extra-special aversion to Herman Cain when compared to said. He’s just as incompetent and unqualified for the office of President of the United States as any of them. We just want to remind folks that, if they’re going to write-in a candidate, it should be someone other than Herman Cain.

The easy takeaway from this post is that every American should resolve to refrain from voting for any of the “candidates” on this list – but that’s probably way too optimistic a sentiment, and I’m not remotely as optimistic as any of the people in that AP poll mentioned at the start of the post. The sad fact is that one of the “candidates” on this list is going to be the GOP nominee for U.S. President in the year 2012, and in the general election is going to end up getting at least 45% of the vote.

Still think packing up your loved ones and relocating to an uninhabited planet is such a stupid idea?

posted by F.B. in American Stupidity,Political Stupidity,Republican Stupidity and have Comments Off

Hookers and Strippers Prove Christmas Isn’t So Stupid After All

One of the things we like about hookers is that they’re nice to everyone. As opposed to, say, Lowe’s. Or Congressman Allen West. But this year at least one hooker took her kindness up a notch by displaying some serious Christmas spirit! (That is, until it was quashed by local party-poopers.)

In time for Christmas this year, 37-year-old Houston escort (now we’re getting into semantics) began marketing herself on an online escort directory as “Santa’s Little Helper,” offering a holiday special whereby any client who brought an unwrapped toy for a boy or girl would get one hour of “sensual experience” for free! (Sounds like a sweet deal to me! If she’d thrown in a candy cane at the end, I would have been there with bells on!) Apparently, however, thanks to her having been outed by local media – and discovered by the local police department – the offer is no longer valid. Her marketing campaign dared prospective clients to “Try and Put [her] Fire Out,” but it seems local so-called do-gooders have done that for her. Way to go, guys.

This kind of offer is hardly unique; a Chicago-area escort reportedly ran a similar promotion in 2007, and escorts the world over almost certainly make plenty of such offers during the holiday season which go unreported by stupid spoilsports. So, if you missed an offer like this this year, keep your chin up and your eyes peeled for another one around this time next year!

Speaking of Chicago… Not to be outdone, this year a Chicago strip club reportedly offered a free lap dance to anyone who brought in a new, unwrapped toy. (The promotion ended on December 17.) In spite of the limit of one lap dance per customer, no matter how many toys you brought in, one can hardly refer to the promoters of the event as Scrooge-like. The campaign ran last year, as well, and raised five carloads of new toys. No word yet on whether the club will likewise revive its 2010 “stripper-fied” rendition of ‘The Nutcracker’ (not so sure I like the words “stripper” and “nutcracker” going in the same sentence, but anyway), but – if it does – it’s sure to be a big hit. See, Christmas isn’t so stupid after all!

And if this doesn’t fill you with Christmas spirit, nothing will! A West Virginia minister is looking to buy local strip club the Pink Pony and turn it into a church and rehabilitation center! (No doubt there’d still be worshipping taking place – just of a different kind!) The club, infamous for being the place where a 2003 Powerball lottery winner was drugged and robbed of $500,000 in cash, lost its liquor license that year and has been vacant since 2010.

Says the pastor in question, who seems to be a little grammatically-challenged: “It basically will…help people that have been on gambling, dope, drug addiction, all kinds of immorality and our goal is to help them.” (I didn’t know it was possible for a person to be “on” gambling or drug addiction – but, then again, I’m not a person of god, so what do I know?)

“A church in that place would certainly be a big step up,” echoes a pastor of another nearby church: “To see a place go from the devil’s dominion, a strip club and a bar to a place of worship and proclamation of the gospel is a victory.” We’ll have to take his word for it.

Yet another local reverend chimes in: “If something was being used for a purpose that wouldn’t be real wholesome and now has flipped to a purpose that could be more wholesome, not only is it a plus one minus one, it’s a better equation.”

In the spirit of religious mumbo jumbo, let’s all bow our heads and pray that, if the center ever decides to rehabilitate people in the art of coherent speech, these folks aren’t the ones to provide the service.

Hold onto your horses, though (see what I did there?)! The Pink Pony isn’t up for grabs until the pastors come up with the $795,000 needed to actually purchase the property. And that kind of jingle is going to take a whole slew of collection plates to drum up.

Either way, the pastor in charge of the charge believes the stigma attached to the joint would not hinder his cause, but help it – and that folks who used to go to the club to worship ass would head to the so-called “improved” version to instead worship the lord and be “spiritually healed.” Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

I think I’ll stick to dreaming about the free lap dances and special rates on escort services, thankyouverymuch.

posted by F.B. in American Stupidity,Christian Stupidity,Pop Culture Stupidity and have Comments Off

Being Groped by Ghosts While You Sleep? You’re Not Alone (No Pun Intended)

Seeing as there’s always so much American stupidity to discuss, it’s not often that we delve into the stupidity of people in other countries – particularly England, where, probably thanks to the number of Brits in positions of authority on American reality TV contests, most Americans think human stupidity somehow ceases to exist.

But for this story we’ll go there.

A grandmother in Kent county, England, recently told a local newspaper that she can no longer sleep at night in her flat (that’s Brit-speak for “apartment,” for our uncultured American audience) because a ghost as been showing up in the night and groping her.

“It’s like an octopus,” the former nursing home assistant told the paper. “People are going to think I am mad but it is as real as the day to me.”

For her part, her 16-year-old granddaughter thinks she must be kidding.

A local husband and wife team of spirit mediums have been called in, proclaiming they’ll “envelope [the ghost] in a ‘vortex of light’ and send it to the ‘other side.’”

“Sometimes [spirits] need to alleviate some stress,” said the better half of the ghost-hunting duo, as to why the apparition in question might have decided to bother this particular victim.

No one involved seems to be onto the obvious answer: That the ghost is the spirit of one of the perverted old men from a nursing home in which the victim once worked, and whose crush on the victim carried into the afterlife. (For those in our audience who’ve never seen The Benny Hill Show, the Brits are not remotely as stuck up sexually as we are in our stupid, priggish, country. Cheeky!)

On the other hand, it’s also possible that the woman in question is simply hallucinating, judging from a recent study which reveals that people who report to have been abducted by aliens may in fact have just been having a vivid dream.

In his book The Terror That Comes in the Night, folklorist David J. Hufford estimates that about 15 percent of people report being assaulted in their sleep by an unknown entity at some point in their lives – but that this is often the result of ordinary brain functions, and that the specifics of the attacks are shaped by the victims’ belief systems.

Benjamin Radford, deputy editor of Skeptical Inquirer magazine, explains that the experiences reported by the Kent county granny are not at all uncommon in history, and that such reports likely gave birth to that wicked creature of medieval lore so popularized by South Park: the succubus, a she-demon which sexually attacks men as they sleep.

Anyway, one thing’s for sure: the local Methodist Minister, who was approached by the woman for help in the matter and told her that in his opinion the offender is a lost spirit, thinks there’s nothing he can personally do about the ghoulish groper. “I am neither a trained counsellor nor from a church with a tradition of exorcism such as the Catholic Church,” he said. “It is very difficult to know how to respond.”

How about responding by telling her to see a doctor? Would that have made too much sense?

posted by F.B. in Christian Stupidity and have Comments Off